I just felt the need to write a little tonight, if I felt comfortable that it was just issues with his kids I could probably easily deal with it, but something just deep down inside makes me thing it's something more than that, so I feel caught between a rock and a hard place at this point. Here at one point a very short time ago I was willing to lean against him like a rock and now I feel I haven't nothing left ot lean against. That is partly my own fault, for going out and looking for a rock to lean against. I don't know whats going to happen from here on out between him and I, I know there are underlying reasons so he says with his children and ex wife, because of my health issues and I certainly can't fault him for that. I don't know I just feel so tied up in knots and confused I don't know whether to trust what I'm feeling through caution to the wind or to just cut my looses at this point and move on.
I guess that's a decision that I'll have to make soon, he is wanting to come and visit me over the thanksgiving holiday this year. So atleast it will be nice to have someone special to spend my holiday up, I just have this nagging feeling that If I do that it am going to be setting myself for more heart ache then I need at this point and how much more crap can I actually deal with it seems every single day that goes by there is something else that is put on my plate which makes a little bit more difficult to just easily accept and move on. I'm trying to be the bigger man and see the entire picture. I mean I'm not sure that if i was HIV -, that I would wanna risk being with an HIV+ person because that risk factor is always going to be there and that is a valid point but I realize now this early in the game that no matter what happens he's never going to under-stand all the issues that will be currently going on with my life. Either.
I"m almost feeling as if life has partially stopped for me at some level only because for the first time in my life I had felt very secure with some of the things greg was telling me about how my life would be once I moved there, I was all excited about having a couple of kids, and well i'm already hated by one, and it's not really hatred I think as much as a fear and the more I think about the more she isn't likely to ever get over that fear, first it's a great deal for her having to understand her dad is gay and likes men, that coupled with the fact that he's in love with a man that is HIV+, i'm sure scares her to know end.
I knew there was something up with greg when the communication stopped, and I think he's just need time and space to process things I know this I do certainly love him a great deal, why or how i can't really answer completely other than to say it's just something that is there. It was interesting that we had a pretty decent conversation this evening. Hopefully our relationship will change a little bit over time but it sure would help if his kids were better informed, in the interim I really need to weight out whether I wanna leave here and loose out on the quality of health care i'm recieving here it's really difficult to say. Reguardless of whatever happens Greg will forever own a part of my heart because I do love him unconditionally which means that even if we decide that it's over tomorrow my love for him will continue to be with him.
Vocals by Diana Ross
Bye Baby see you round,
didn't I tell you I wouldn't hold you down
take good care of yourself you hear
don't let me hear about you shedding a tear
your gonna make it, your gonna make it
Remember me as a sunny day that you
once had along the way didn't I inspire
you a little higher
Remember me as a funny clown
that made you laugh when you were down
didn't I boy, didn't I boy
Remember me as big ballon, a big carnival that
ended too soon Remember me as a breath of spring
remember me as a good thing.
Bye baby see you round I already know about the love you've found
what can do is wish you well, what we had was really swell
I won't forget it, no I have no regrets
Remember me as the sound of laughter
and my face the morning after
didn't the skies making us still fly
didn't you remember the times before
but don't forget me in your tender thoughts
please darling remember me when you drink the wine
of sweet success I gave you my best
remember with every song you sing
remember me as a good thing
Remember me as a sunny day
please darling remember me as a good thing
Remember me as you drink the wine
oh yeah remember me as a good thing
baby darling remember me as a good thing