Robby's Journal

Just my thoughts, my opinions, my attitudes and things which are shaping my life around me.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Remember Me

Lately with things that have been going on with my health I am kinda of feeling vulnerable first of all I'm caught up in this long distance thing with Greg, whom I've hardly spoken to in weeks all thought we did catch up a little bit tonight and he brought some concerns to the table maybe being in a "magnetic" relationships isn't really ideal. I don't know

I just felt the need to write a little tonight, if I felt comfortable that it was just issues with his kids I could probably easily deal with it, but something just deep down inside makes me thing it's something more than that, so I feel caught between a rock and a hard place at this point. Here at one point a very short time ago I was willing to lean against him like a rock and now I feel I haven't nothing left ot lean against. That is partly my own fault, for going out and looking for a rock to lean against. I don't know whats going to happen from here on out between him and I, I know there are underlying reasons so he says with his children and ex wife, because of my health issues and I certainly can't fault him for that. I don't know I just feel so tied up in knots and confused I don't know whether to trust what I'm feeling through caution to the wind or to just cut my looses at this point and move on.

I guess that's a decision that I'll have to make soon, he is wanting to come and visit me over the thanksgiving holiday this year. So atleast it will be nice to have someone special to spend my holiday up, I just have this nagging feeling that If I do that it am going to be setting myself for more heart ache then I need at this point and how much more crap can I actually deal with it seems every single day that goes by there is something else that is put on my plate which makes a little bit more difficult to just easily accept and move on. I'm trying to be the bigger man and see the entire picture. I mean I'm not sure that if i was HIV -, that I would wanna risk being with an HIV+ person because that risk factor is always going to be there and that is a valid point but I realize now this early in the game that no matter what happens he's never going to under-stand all the issues that will be currently going on with my life. Either.

I"m almost feeling as if life has partially stopped for me at some level only because for the first time in my life I had felt very secure with some of the things greg was telling me about how my life would be once I moved there, I was all excited about having a couple of kids, and well i'm already hated by one, and it's not really hatred I think as much as a fear and the more I think about the more she isn't likely to ever get over that fear, first it's a great deal for her having to understand her dad is gay and likes men, that coupled with the fact that he's in love with a man that is HIV+, i'm sure scares her to know end.

I knew there was something up with greg when the communication stopped, and I think he's just need time and space to process things I know this I do certainly love him a great deal, why or how i can't really answer completely other than to say it's just something that is there. It was interesting that we had a pretty decent conversation this evening. Hopefully our relationship will change a little bit over time but it sure would help if his kids were better informed, in the interim I really need to weight out whether I wanna leave here and loose out on the quality of health care i'm recieving here it's really difficult to say. Reguardless of whatever happens Greg will forever own a part of my heart because I do love him unconditionally which means that even if we decide that it's over tomorrow my love for him will continue to be with him.

Remember Me
Vocals by Diana Ross

Bye Baby see you round,
didn't I tell you I wouldn't hold you down
take good care of yourself you hear
don't let me hear about you shedding a tear
your gonna make it, your gonna make it
Remember me as a sunny day that you
once had along the way didn't I inspire
you a little higher
Remember me as a funny clown
that made you laugh when you were down
didn't I boy, didn't I boy
Remember me as big ballon, a big carnival that
ended too soon Remember me as a breath of spring
remember me as a good thing.

Bye baby see you round I already know about the love you've found
what can do is wish you well, what we had was really swell
I won't forget it, no I have no regrets
Remember me as the sound of laughter
and my face the morning after
didn't the skies making us still fly
didn't you remember the times before
but don't forget me in your tender thoughts
please darling remember me when you drink the wine
of sweet success I gave you my best
remember with every song you sing
remember me as a good thing

Remember me as a sunny day
please darling remember me as a good thing
Remember me as you drink the wine
oh yeah remember me as a good thing
baby darling remember me as a good thing



Thursday, October 07, 2004

Broken Friendship/Free from stress

How long was I actually living in a very insane circle and cycle. It makes me stop and question how much shit I actually tolerated from someone who presents themselves as a friend at your door. For the first time in an awful long time I feel free from the stress that living with a life long friend who mentally wore me out, whom time and time again just seemed to yank, pull, tug and take advantage of my every emotion. Well damn it life is way to fawkin short to be wasting it on assholes.

Assholes who are totally and completely 100% hypocritical of your life compared to their life, when in actuality things left up to their own devices completely fall by the wayside. Assholes who feel the need to create drama and survive on drama and the "poor me, oh poor me, ohhh darling will you pour me another drink" type of attitude totally over looking the problem at hand. Assholes who run around infecting innocent people knowing they are HIV +, and finally assholes who cut their noses off despite their best interest just to be stubborn fools. A stubborn man is a very foolish man, for compromise brings about opportunity for change, harmony and with the right amount of luck maybe even some balance.

Do I dare sit in judgment of assholes of the likes of the ones I've described above? (I use the plural because I'm not completely sure exactly how many personalities I was dealing with), and my answer is not exactly it's not my place to pass judgment and if I had of passed judgment I wouldn't have been a friend to begin with, especially a life long friend, but I can be embarrassed that I even considered the asshole a friend to begin with. I never liked the things he did and it disappoints me to absolutely no end that with everything the way it's gone down I allowed him to manipulate and control my life as much as he did.

A friend recently explained to me how insanity was like a top that is spinning out of control. At times it might seem like the top is balanced but the person insane is always looking to throw things off balance, the more insane it becomes the faster the top spins, and this pattern is definitely something I see clearly now. What is I guess vitally important in this lesson between best friends is that I'm aware of the vicious cycle, and won't ever tolerate it even coming close into my life, or the life's of my dearest and closest friends, not the crazy insane bullshit I've had chosen to tolerate for several (too many) years, enough is enough already and now that judgment has been passed.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Almost finished moving... YAY!!!

Well it looks like as of today everything will hopefully be moved out and the old place cleaned up there is a hell of alot of work to be done, in that apartment but i've assured duane that I would my best to make the place as nice as possible so that he can get the place shown as soon as possible. He might not be absolutely crazy about the situation with the move, or the fact that it is taking yet an additional day to get everything out, but I think Utlimately he was more concerned that JD's stuff wasn't going to be out of the apartment, as for my stuff he is aware that anytime I've told him something I've followed through on my request, and I've assured him that the place would be cleaned up, and that I would be there today to get the rest of my things.

From my understanding there was very few things that JD took most of it he left behind and the place was absolutely a totally diaster area, which of course I was aware he was going to do. There have been a couple of things that just dawned on me, because I have been struggling all day about how I'm going to handle all this stuff he's left behind in this apartment knowing that it can't just be moved out onto the street at this point and that duane wants the place showable as soon as humanly possible. The thing that just popped into my mind however was why not take the stuff to either poverello and ask them for some type of a credit so that when it comes time for me to move it will be a valid means for me to get a some furniture, or there is the possibility of selling the stuff at a consignment store, or I could even call Linda & Lynn and maybe ask them if they could help me with paying for a small storage unit for me to store the stuff into until I'm able to get a place of my own. I'm not sure at this point but you know stuff like the couch and the table and even the big screen tv is just a little too much to completely just give up or totally trash. All that I know is that there is less and less stress in my life, and that things are slowly getting alot hell of alot better. :).

Thursday, September 30, 2004

More Manipulation

This morning started with me keeping Cathy's car so that I could go and pick up some things at the house, I really wasn't looking forward to the confrontation with JD, however it was something that I had to give. In addition I had wanted to talk to Duane in person, which I was able to do that morning. JD wasn't at the house when I finally got there and that was just as well as far as I said the previous day when i left there with about 1/4 of my belongings I had considered my hands of his utter shit washed completely clean. I loaded up a bunch more things and low and behold as I was pulling out of the drive way here comes the Drunk at 9am walking down the street with a 6 pack of beer in his hands.

When I arrived at the house I began to unload some of the stuff onto Patti's porch and then brought in our breakfast sandwhiches, we began eating when Dena called and we started talking about things, Dena recently meeting JD during the hurricanes felt she wanted to talk to him and asked for his number she was hoping to get through to him, and maybe even possibly get him into rehab. I gave her the number even though I had stated that as far as I was concerned I considered my hands washed him and really was totally opposed to going over there. I listened to the conversation on 3 way the entire time they talked and of course JD denied the fact that he was drunk, and lied about this and that, everything under the sun concerning his situation, my situation brought up the fact that I had paid my rent without letting him know, and how sneaky and private I was with him he told her he didn't know where I had the money to pay my rent (goes to show you how fucked up he was the day before when the check was written out in front of him) bottom line Dena was insistant on going over to talk to him. I felt we were just being caught up in another one of JD's manipulation games and by everyone rushing over to him was just giving him exactly what he wanted.

Dena went inside first to talk to him, she had to use my keys in order to get in, Patti and I both waited outside if I never ever saw him again it wouldn't be soon enough. Eventually Dena came out asking that I come inside that JD wanted to hug me, of course I knew this wasn't a good idea, however I do have to say Dena was handling the situation with him quite well. Jason would try to drink and Dena was in his face taking away his beer, he kept trying to tell her to leave and she said "no, i'm in this house as a friend of Rob's it's still his place too", he was calm one minute and very pissed off the next minute, incidentally JD's mom had called and told Dena "I can't help my son, I'm an alcoholic myself if there is something you can do to help him, do it. Patti eventually knocked on the door (it was hot as hell outside) and I said fuck it, come inside it's my house to. Well of course JD became more irate and eventually ended up picking up a can of beer and throwing at patti, with that I picked up the cellphone and called 911, and informed them I had a roommate who was a lifelong friend (gave them his entire history) and stated that I really thought he needed to be Baker Acted as he was out of control threatening suicide for several days in row.

Of course JD got on the phone with his mother, and eventually the cop called his mother and they agreed to release him to his mother's custody with the understand that she would take him into rehab at the hospital where she worked at, which was Memorial Hospital West. The Police waited 30 minutes for his mother to arrive on the scene with JD telling us, "My mother isn't taking me into rehab she's going to take me to her house".

When Judy arrived on the scene I confronted her, and she didn't really acknowledge my confrontation with her, Dena and Patti were insistant that she was going to end up just taking him home and not take him to rehab, considering his past I found this hard to believe that Judy would allow him into her home in the state of mind JD was in, but later found out that night that she most assuredly did take him into her home instead of taking him into rehab, the only truth about the situation was she stated "it's not going to do him any good until he wants it, so I'm taking a different approach". Whatever the situation I totally disagree with her actions but then again he's not my son, all that I know is that now my hands are washed of both of these idiots that were in my life. If I never saw either one of them ever again in my entire life it wouldn't be soon enough. I want no contact with them whatsoever, and further more when it all blows up in her face and her son either murders herself or her husband I for one will be sitting back laughing.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

The Straw that broke the Camels Back!

This morning JD woke up and gave me a big hug and stated that he hated all the dis-harmony our living situation was in and promised a change in pace, which of course we've heard this story a million or maybe even two million times in the past, but whatever the case like the idiot fool that I am, I hugged him back and stated that things would be just fine, however I knew in my heart and my head that it was time to CMA (cover my ass).

Patti had picked me up for my Doctors appointment of course JD got both her and Cathy involved in our little tiffs, always had, and always did for whatever reasons I don't know. I guess to some extreme so did I in the sense that over the past 2 years anytime I needed to get away from him when he was totally dog sloppy drunk and acting like a complete lunatic that I would ask either Patti or Cathy to come pick me up and get me out of the house for awhile so I didn't have to deal with his antics, I never quite put them in the middle the way he always has.

So giving you that background when Patti picked me up, because of the situation that happened the previous morning she really didn't want to even see JD, because of some of the things he had said to Cathy that upset her the previous day. When she picked me up for my doctors appointment I had discussed that I knew they had places like Shadowwoods, and other transitional housing and that if worse came to worse that after my doctors appointment I was going to try and talk to Kristopher about what my options were in case things with Greg really hadn't worked out to nicely, also I was weighing in things like my medical condition and whether a huge move to Illinois would be a good move considering my current health situation. I was really beginning to look at all angles of the situation. Patti stated that her and Cathy had both discussed things and that I was more than welcome to move in there house until my disability was approved or I could find a better living situation. I thought this was totally fantastic, yet I still wanted to find out what options were available I hate burdening people with my situation.

In the midst of waiting for my Doctors, Patti's cellphone rang and it was Cathy calling to say that Jason was crying hysterically and wanted me to call him. I did so, he swore to me he wasn't drunk that Ms Rose (one of our formal neighbors were with him) and he was just worried and concerned he mentioned that his mom was going to come and get him and he just continued to cry on the phone. Of Course I knew he had been drinking but wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe things were just too overwhelming for him.

I found out about shadowwoods, dicussed different options of moving to Illinois, my disability claim all kinds of things with Kristopher Fegenbush, he provided me with as much information that he possibly could and then we headed for the house, I had already discussed with Patti that the stress was grating on my nerves and that I was probably going to pack up chalupa and some clothing and come over for a couple of days. She didn't have any problems in the world with that whatsoever.

In the interim I had heard from JD's mother she stated that she had come over to house at her lunch hour and pick up JD and there wasn't any answer at the door, that she heard the dog barking inside the apartment but JD wasn't any place to be found. By the time I arrived home the front door was open and unlocked and there he lied lifeless on the couch. Not a single snore from him as we walked through the door, not a "chalupa shut the fuck up" from him as she whined as we walked through the door, not a single movement as I gathered some things including the dog and headed out the door.

We got about 90% of the way to Patti's when it finally dawned on me all of the things I mentioned which were very common from JD even at this drunkest of moments and it finally dawned on me, the last several days all JD has been able to talk about is killing himself, could he have done it?, The more and more that I thought about the way he was laying there totally and completely lifeless the more concerned I grew. I called his mother again at work and had reported what I had found, and asked her if she checked the door being it was openned and unlocked. She stated that she had tried the front door and it was definately locked when she had been there. I had told her my concern about maybe him committed suicide and told her I wasn't sure if I should just call 911 and inform them, or what exactly I should do about the situation. As a mother don't you think it should have been her responsiblity? - But she told me that she had to think about it, she couldn't handle walking in there that she knew he had to just be drunken and passed out on the couch. I told her I really wasn't sure that I would go back over and check to find out and report back to her my findings.

Immediately we hopped back into the Car and returned back to my house, we again walked in making as much noise as possible and not a single peep from him, however looking at his chest you could see that he was breathing, it was a very shallow breathing but he was alive. With that patti smacked him on the bottom of the shoes he was wearing still no movement she smacked him again a little harder on the bottom of the shoes he was wearing and he woke up with a "oh hello honey," he was speechless, I was pissed, I was stressed so many emotions ran through my veins at that point. he again said "whats up, honey" (honey is so fucking fake and phoney) and I said in reply "JD get up, get a bag of clothing together now, you are going into rehab now". With that he said "Fuck you, Robert you can't even pay your fucking rent, besides that your out of here on Friday". I said so you won't go into rehab?, he said "Nope, just move out on friday" and with that I said "No I'll start moving out now, and immediately starting breaking down the most valuable things to me and moving them out the door and into the trunk and backseat of cathy's car.

Of course he continued on and on about the situation with me not recieving the check from my aunt who was helping me out and how I couldn't afford to pay my bills, so much to the point of that it began to bother Patti, so much so that she said hold on just a minute whipped out her checkbook and wrote out a check directly in front of JD for my rent and said, Robert give this to your landlord so JD can shut up and when you get the check from your Aunt give it back to me. I thanked her so much for this because I really wanted the situation to look good on me, and didn't want to leave oweing Duane the rent for that month as I'm moving out and he had absolutely no guarentee of recieving it once my stuff was moved.

Once the car was loaded up, we waited until Charlie got home and I met charlie outside with the check for my rent and explained that I would be in contact with Duane that I had a little unfortunate information and informed Charlie that I was going to have to move out, because of Jason's drinking problem. Charlie asked me please call duane and let him know and stated that he had his own problems going on and really didn't want to be involved in the situation at all, he stated his mother just had a heart attack and he was having problems himself. I explained that I didn't mean to burden him with this news, I felt it was important that Duane receive the rent check before I left that day and assured Charlie that I would follow up talking with Duane, and left charlie a number for Duane to call me if he needed anything at all from me.

Incidentally still no word from Greg, and at this point it really didn't matter the more I thought about the move to Illinois the more the health concerns came into play, maybe our timing is just off for now, maybe he's lost interest in me, maybe he decided that he didn't want to be involved anymore I don't know, communication is the key.

As we drove away from the 724A Sw 14th Terr in Ft Lauderdale, one of the MOST BEAUTIFUL places on earth that I've ever lived in, not only was I saddened by the loss of what I considered a beautiful home, but in addition I had known that I had just washed my hands of a life-long friendship. Someone who had been in my life since I was 5 years old had gone from friend to enemy in an instant. It saddens me that at 34 years of age, this person hasn't grown up at all, hasn't accepted responsibity for anything he does.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

A Move to Illinois??

This morning of course the roommate woke up in a foul mood always does after a night full of drinking, I confronted him about his drinking problem and of course never being able to admit his faults or problems the only thing he could basically do is harp about how my rent hadn't been paid, which would be fine if he was the main person dealing with the landlord but it's me who makes all the arrangements being as he can't control anything or handle any kind of normal sense of business arrangement with a person.

Finally fed up, I told him that I was more than likely just going to move to Illinois on Friday and had had decided that I was going to make this change, I knew that Greg had planned to discuss things with his children and really didn't feel there would be a problem with me moving there.

Of course the day continued on as stressful as ever with JD (well just call drunk-boy those initials for now). However things seemed to get slightly better once the evening rolled around I tried to explain to him that I wouldn't move out in the lurch of a moment unless he put me into a position that made me do such. However I did alert him that at some point that I may want to leave florida and go live with greg as the relationship between us had been developing. Also at that point I hadn't heard anything from greg and figured that either he had decided that he didn't want me to actually move there or maybe even worse maybe his kids were struggling with the issues which I wouldn't want to make his kids be uncomfortable.

I waited most of the night for either a phone call from greg, or for him to get online however that never did transpire and I figured it was a pre-cursor to either him changing his mind or the kids having a bigger problem with Daddy moving in his boyfriend than he had anticipated. Tomorrow however I am going to discuss with Kristopher Fegenbush (if he's can take a few minutes to talk to me) and determine what kind of options are available to me feeling as I felt my living situation coming to an end.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Stress rolls through the veins

This week has been absolutely awful as far as the stress in my life, however I can tell you that it's coming to a point where it's got to stop, the living situation I've been in for almost 3 years has been totally unbelievable sometimes I wonder myself why or how in the hell in the world have I survived it? --

I think we've all had a life-long friend someone that we've known through our entire lifes or a dam good part of it, someone we grew up with from a very early age and someone whom we consider closer than a family member because there were so many times spent together they were actually closer than your family members were.

I feel things sprialing out of control this week on my homefront, I've been expecting a sum of money from a family member to help me pay my rent, and it still hasn't arrived I'm unsure if this situation is due to Hurricane Francis because it was suppossedly sent to me on Sept 9, a day after the storm.

The landlord has been totally cool about things but now it's the 27th of the month, soon rent will be due again, and although the landlord again understands the circumstances in my life right now being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

My roommate has gone off on yet another binge of drinking, this excuse could be because of the facial surgury that was cancelled as a result of his drinking and not taking properly care of a wound he suffered when his jaw was broken during his last little drinking tangent. The tension is
definiately building to a breaking point on that end.